Ignorance is Bliss
After weeks of not having the internet, television, or a working phone, I was slowly going insane. I'm a social junkie and have a communication addiction. The day my world was turned back on, I logged into facebook excited to see what everybody was up to; What dogs were saved, who was fostering who, and all the good my charity oriented friends were accomplishing. There was one problem, I forgot how fucked up the world was.
While I was holed up in my little New Britain sanctuary I missed an entire oil spill. I was busy adjusting my mother's special needs (to say the least) felines to their new surroundings (they arrived at my apartment after my brother and his rescue dogs moved back into my parent's house to make a grande total of four active Pit Bulls). While I was consumed with my own Pit Bull's eye infection and my cat's pissing malfunctions, thousands of innocent sea creatures slowly and painfully died due to the human race and our inability to care about the world we live in.
When I was a little girl I wasn't sure if I believed in God. I remember praying a few times before surgery or when my cat went missing. I would often think of God as a score keeper. Surely if there was a God, he was testing us. He wasn't testing our individual sins, I knew I didn't believe in any of that crap or the labels religious people liked to place on themselves and others. I simply knew from the start that humans held a lot of power, and that if there was a God, he/she was surely disappointed in us. I was always aware of the non-human world and knew it was my job to undo at least a small portion of the harm my peers inflicted upon it.
The past two years of my life have been very conflicting. I no longer hold the strong sense of intention I used to. I spent years of my life completely consumed in the animal welfare world. I had a great sense of accomplishment and purpose but I slowly began to unravel. I saved animals and I saved the people who were effected by them. There wasn't a day that went by that didn't involve an emergency of some sort or the great euphoria associated with saving a life (and therefore hours of driving, talking on the phone, and trying to obtain money for medical or boarding bills). I burnt myself out.
When I got laid off from my animal shelter job the timing was perfect. I was coming out of the closet and was excited to spend a lot of time on me and discovering exactly who I was. I started writing for an awesome Lesbian magazine and threw myself into an entire new community (and started buying hair products again)! I have an entire new career and still manage to do some volunteering (even if it's just the once a week kind that ordinary folks do to make themselves feel better).
After a year and a half, I do miss my purpose. I may be making a small contribution to the Gay community, but as I sit in front of my television and witness the incredibly depressing state of the world, I've just about had enough of "me". I'm so tired of wanting a new outfit and a matching outlook on life. What I want, is the ability to get up and go help the others who are trying to improve the situation of the Gulf oil spill. As my girlfriend keeps saying, "there is no fucking reason this should happen in 2010". Plus, and I know this is typical, it is nice to see the countless volunteers who are trying to counteract the damage done. Perhaps they will help even the score.
Want to feel useful? Foster a NYC Dog:
http://fosterdogsnyc.blogspot.com/
